I should be writing a history paper right now. One, because I’m supposed to be “one of the best students.” Two, it’s due in less than two days. And three, it has to be at least 5 pages in length and I’m at a solid one and a half pages. I’m not writing a history paper right now. If I was a freshman in high school…hell yeah I would be writing that paper and it would be an A paper for sure.
Where I am at today is completely different from where I was as a freshman in high school.
Today, for the first time since seventh grade, I felt truly happy.
It didn’t last the whole day, which is fine. But when it suddenly went away I got mad at myself. I get so unhappy and sad for no reason. My brain just does it and I don’t know why or how..but it just does and this is how I have learned to live with my life.
Let me tell you right now, that my blog will rarely be optimistic. I just want to write what I’m thinking and feeling when I want to write, and I’m not someone that tends to think and feel optimistically. With that said, don’t be expecting some moral at the end of the story or a happy ending.
I think I’m where I need to be physically. After visiting home for the first time since I left for college, I realized that home is a place of much stress and anxiety for me. I love my family. They are my favorite people in the world. Being on my own in a place where I can sort of escape is what I think makes me feel less of the stress and anxiety I feel here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stressed and anxious here too. It’s just different.
Right now, the problem is I know where I am, but I don’t know where I am. And I know who I am, but I don’t know who I am.
I’m in Portland. I’m at school. I’m in my dorm room.
I think I’m still…not moving…I’m nowhere?
Am I forever this girl I feel like I don’t know or understand?
I have a history paper to write.