I took myself off of my medication and it’s only been a week that I’ve gone without it. It’s actually one of the hardest things I have ever done. It’s weird remembering that this is what I used to feel like all of the time. I just really don’t want to rely on something that is making me feel “fake happy”. And who in the hell wants to take meds that changed a skinny girl into a girl that wants to die every time that she sees her body in the mirror or every time she sees all of the other small girls around her. It really is true. Skinny girls are the ones that guys pay more attention to. At least at the University of Portland.
Without these “happy pills” I think about all of the memories that just tore me apart. I was in a 2 year long relationship in high school. I also had the greatest group of friends. The boyfriend didn’t particularly like hanging out with the girl friends and the girl friends didn’t particularly like the boyfriend hanging out with them because I would spend most of that time trying to make him happy since I knew he didn’t want to be there. (Obviously I’m great at run on sentences).
Tonight I can’t help but dwell on the fact that for about 2 years…I only concentrated on trying to make both my friends and my boyfriend equally happy. I didn’t want to lose either side of my life. I ended up losing both. I worked my ass off to keep both, and to make both happy. I did my absolute best to do this.
My best wasn’t even good.
Now I can’t help but think that if my friends were my real friends that they would have seen how hard I tried and how much I hated myself. I saw them hurting and I talked to them about it. I told my boyfriend how I felt. I should have left him then because your boyfriend is supposed to care about the other people that make your life, your life.
Yeah I’m in college now and I have great friends but when you are a person like me, these memories don’t go away. When you remember them you will always remember the bad parts and no matter how much you want those parts to go away, they won’t. And they will be the only parts you remember.
Unless you take happy pills.
I’m smart enough to know that the happy pills are fake happy.