Okay so the last 24 hours of my eccentric, chaotic life have been an absolute shit show. I can’t even recall half of it, but the hours that I do recall make me want to crawl into a bear’s den to be devoured. I’m not exaggerating. If you have ever had a migraine you know exactly what I mean. And if you haven’t felt exactly this, then it is not a migraine that you are experiencing. God, that it one of my biggest pet peeves. People are always saying “I have a migraine” as they chuckle and keep walking at a regular pace. Trust me, if you have a migraine even talking will hurt your head and make you pray that you’ll see the light right then and there.
I have an inkling that the explosive feeling in my brain came on as a side effect of the new ADHD meds. My body is having some trouble adjusting. I wasn’t really thinking when my parents offered me a glass of wine because drinking one never affects me negatively when in combination with my other medications. About 45 minutes after sipping my glass dry, my vision started to haze over and the next thing I remember was walking to the living room to flop onto the couch. Within 30 seconds I was out.
At 10 p.m. my “work out” alarm went off (which I never fail to click ignore on) and I got up to go shower and go back to sleep in my real bed. I don’t remember showering, or getting into bed or anything in between. Scary. Next thing I know: I’m in the bathroom feeling like I’m going to vomit but not knowing why. Out of nowhere the excruciating pain shot against all sides and spaces of my head. I cried. I kept trying to call for my mom but I was torn about the idea of seeming like a weak 20 year old who can’t even take care of herself. I just want to be independent. I gave in. I crawled to my parents’ door and they immediately jumped up when they knew that the sound of my voice was the voice of agony.
For the next few hours I was back and forth between the toilet and my bed. Nothing helped to ease the pain; however I was surprised at how empathetic my mom was and her comfort was something to be appreciative of. She knows this same pain and has lived with it for the majority of her life. I can’t even imagine. Every time I have a migraine I want to die. Not in a suicidal, depressed type of way. I know the difference because I’ve felt both. Twice when I’ve been in this much misery, I’ve asked for someone to just kill me. I kid you not, I have hallucinated while having a migraine. Don’t believe me? Ask my roommates from my freshman year of college. I’m pretty positive they’re still scarred from what they witnessed.
Point being, migraines are the definition of hell and there is no one I would ever wish that kind of pain upon. Maybe there is one person, but that’s a story for another day. People say that the worst pain ever felt is during childbirth, and if that’s true, bring on the epidural (or two) because anything worse than a migraine calls for the strongest drugs to exist.
It’s been over 24 hours since the onset of my excruciating ride through hell and I’m finally at ease. My mom calls the day after a migraine “the hangover.” The name describes it perfectly but it sure as hell beats the real thing.
Today, I woke up feeling a little bit out of the of the ordinary. “Ordinary” for me however, is in most people’s eyes out of the ordinary for your typical twenty year old college student. For those of you who need a little catching up, my “ordinary” is a more depressive, somber personality as opposed to an optimistic, “wake-up-when-alarm-goes-off-and-get-out-of-bed-without-too-much-hesitation” personality.
I had woken up to the several hollers from my mom and couldn’t distinguish whether is was 8 am or 1 in the afternoon. I think that’s a good thing. Or, at least, it didn’t seem to make me anxious.Who knows how many times my mom said something along the lines of “Abby, honey. Time to get up.” I lose track and I also have the sometimes unfortunate ability to sleep through just about anything. Anyways, I somehow found the energy to get out of the comfort of my warm bed and trudged down the hall and into the frigid world that the rest of my family doesn’t seem to notice or be bothered by. To get to the point, my day was out of the ordinary because I didn’t feel anything. This typically strikes me later when I go through my daily routine of overthinking at approximately 24/7 O’clock, as a key to be careful and not let myself fall back into a dreadful state of depression. Today it was different. I felt nothing but I wasn’t sad or so heavy in my mind and heart that I couldn’t move. I was just at ease.
My day went on to be a typical Sunday but the feeling of ease slipped through each hour alongside me. Maybe it was the snow. It snowed so much today and it lasted hours. It wasn’t that shitty kind that falls for an hour or two and then leaves your lawn looking like an aging man’s head. There were buckets and buckets of snow, and they created enormous blankets across the town. I had to go down the street to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy and I don’t think I had been in Wallgreens for 5 minutes before I came back out to a solid half inch of snow on my windshield.
Maybe I was at ease because I finally built up some courage in my lazy ass to figure out what I’m going to do this upcoming semester and then proceeded to actually do something about it. For the past week I’ve lied to my parents, saying that I’ve been contacting people from my university about what I should do and how to go about changing my major and whatnot. Registration for Spring semester was over a month ago and I still haven’t registered, but today I wrote down what classes I would take and emailed specific professors with questions that I had. For a depressed person, that’s a pretty good start.
And now I’m laying in bed. I’m anxious for tomorrow, but in a good way. My new prescription is to help me with my ADHD. Yes. You read correctly. I now have been diagnosed with yet another psychological disorder. I have a pretty positive feeling about how my life is going to change with this new medication though. Part of the problem in my daily life is that I can never concentrate. I get distracted, then can’t get shit done and therefore become depressed because of that. If I am able to concentrate, I’ll be able to focus in school, get all the studying done that needs to be done in order for me to pass my tests, and all will be better. At least somewhat better. I’m crossing my fingers in hopes that these meds work and that I don’t crash and burn…again.
You can cross your fingers too. Please do.