Today, I woke up feeling a little bit out of the of the ordinary. “Ordinary” for me however, is in most people’s eyes out of the ordinary for your typical twenty year old college student. For those of you who need a little catching up, my “ordinary” is a more depressive, somber personality as opposed to an optimistic, “wake-up-when-alarm-goes-off-and-get-out-of-bed-without-too-much-hesitation” personality.

I had woken up to the several hollers from my mom and couldn’t distinguish whether is was 8 am or 1 in the afternoon. I think that’s a good thing. Or, at least, it didn’t seem to make me anxious.Who knows how many times my mom said something along the lines of “Abby, honey. Time to get up.” I lose track and I also have the sometimes unfortunate ability to sleep through just about anything. Anyways, I somehow found the energy to get out of the comfort of my warm bed and trudged down the hall and into the frigid world that the rest of my family doesn’t seem to notice or be bothered by. To get to the point, my day was out of the ordinary because I didn’t feel anything. This typically strikes me later when I go through my daily routine of overthinking at approximately 24/7 O’clock, as a key to be careful and not let myself fall back into a dreadful state of depression. Today it was different. I felt nothing but I wasn’t sad or so heavy in my mind and heart that I couldn’t move. I was just at ease.

My day went on to be a typical Sunday but the feeling of ease slipped through each hour alongside me. Maybe it was the snow. It snowed so much today and it lasted hours. It wasn’t that shitty kind that falls for an hour or two and then leaves your lawn looking like an aging man’s head. There were buckets and buckets of snow, and they created enormous blankets across the town. I had to go down the street to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy and I don’t think I had been in Wallgreens for 5 minutes before I came back out to a solid half inch of snow on my windshield.

Maybe I was at ease because I finally built up some courage in my lazy ass to figure out what I’m going to do this upcoming semester and then proceeded to actually do something about it. For the past week I’ve lied to my parents, saying that I’ve been contacting people from my university about what I should do and how to go about changing my major and whatnot. Registration for Spring semester was over a month ago and I still haven’t registered, but today I wrote down what classes I would take and emailed specific professors with questions that I had. For a depressed person, that’s a pretty good start.

And now I’m laying in bed. I’m anxious for tomorrow, but in a good way. My new prescription is to help me with my ADHD. Yes. You read correctly. I now have been diagnosed with yet another psychological disorder. I have a pretty positive feeling about how my life is going to change with this new medication though. Part of the problem in my daily life is that I can never concentrate. I get distracted, then can’t get shit done and therefore become depressed because of that. If I am able to concentrate, I’ll be able to focus in school, get all the studying done that needs to be done in order for me to pass my tests, and all will be better. At least somewhat better. I’m crossing my fingers in hopes that these meds work and that I don’t crash and burn…again.

You can cross your fingers too. Please do.

One thought on “Fingers Crossed

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