The good in my life

The good in my life

It’s been a bad week. I’ve slept a lot. I haven’t gone to the gym. I’ve put myself down more than I knew possible. About five minutes ago I took the initiative to ask my mom if I can go to my counselor this summer and she said, of course. This is a good thing. It means that I’m willing to change and make improvements in my life – that I’m not giving up even though it’s the only thing I want to do.

There are so many good things in my life and I tend to see past them since I’m so deeply buried in the negative. I unconsciously let it fill me up until it’s too much to handle, therefore pushing me towards giving up. If I gave up completely, like I’ve wanted to before, I wouldn’t get to appreciate the things that release me and make life worth living.

The first thing that I think about missing if I were to give up on life is my best friend, Sierra. Sierra Whitney Savage has easily become the most important person in my life. We joke about how we are basically dating each other. If we weren’t so straight I can guarantee we would be married. I think that’s how you know you have truly found the best, best friend. She takes care of me and I take care of her. Being friends with her is effortless and the most comforting thing in the world. You hear best friends speaking of cliches such as finishing each other’s sentences and knowing every little thing about each other and it’s even more than that. Sierra and I don’t even have to finish each other’s sentences; we already know what needs to be said without actually saying it. We know everything about each other, but we learn more and more each day like a never ending adventure. The best part about our friendship is that I need her just as much as she needs me. We are lost humans, but without each other we probably wouldn’t be human.

Of course, my family is also why I chose to live. They do everything for me even when I don’t deserve it. My parents have given up so, so much to provide my siblings and I with a wonderful life. They are good people too. When I was in 4th grade they decided to get divorced. In knowing the negative effects that this life decision can have, they worked their asses off to love each other by communicating with each other, with their close friends and relatives, and most importantly, with God. I’ve struggled a lot with my beliefs lately, but I strongly believe that God saved my parents’ relationship. My little sister inspires me to become a better person every single second of every single day. I strive to be more like her. She truly is a blessing. My brother has taught me a lot. We used to be closer and it’s been difficult over the past few years to move past our disagreements. We love each other though, and I would like to think that there have been times at which we have saved each other.

I’m alive and I have so much to be thankful for. I go to an amazing school where I have found my new family. The people in Portland are the people that will be with me until the day I die. My best friends at home keep me laughing and strong. They are strong. Al and Rinn will always have a special place in my heart. I constantly look forward to the mom dates we’ll have in the future. I have wonderful doctors who have done so much to keep me alive. They keep a close eye on me and make sure I have the medication and other means of help that I need. Thankfully, I have finally come to terms with relying on medication to give me that extra life boost. I have a house. I even have my own room and my own bed. That’s a privilege that many people don’t get to have. I have food – good food. I have an education, and a family, and a life, and love.

Today, I’m happy to be alive.

How did I get here

How did I get here

Have you ever done something so awful that trying not to think about what you did physically hurts your whole body? Your muscles are tight, your skin feels like it’s being pricked with needles, your lungs can’t expand enough, and your heart can only beat as many times as it absolutely needs to in order for you to stay alive. All you do is think about what you did and your stomach is on a constant roller coaster, throwing your gut up and down. And up and down.

And up.

And down.

I’m on this roller coaster this week and I’m in the front car. I’m so embarrassed and I hate myself. It’s as if within one hour I went from being a maturing young woman to a high school girl who is too prideful to give up being at the top of the social ladder. She’ll do anything to keep that from happening. I lost years. Years of growing up and succeeding.

All I can think about is how I’m going to become a woman again. Everything will have to change, and I have no idea where to start. I don’t even know if I’m capable of staring – I’ve fallen so deep.