Have you ever done something so awful that trying not to think about what you did physically hurts your whole body? Your muscles are tight, your skin feels like it’s being pricked with needles, your lungs can’t expand enough, and your heart can only beat as many times as it absolutely needs to in order for you to stay alive. All you do is think about what you did and your stomach is on a constant roller coaster, throwing your gut up and down. And up and down.
I’m on this roller coaster this week and I’m in the front car. I’m so embarrassed and I hate myself. It’s as if within one hour I went from being a maturing young woman to a high school girl who is too prideful to give up being at the top of the social ladder. She’ll do anything to keep that from happening. I lost years. Years of growing up and succeeding.
All I can think about is how I’m going to become a woman again. Everything will have to change, and I have no idea where to start. I don’t even know if I’m capable of staring – I’ve fallen so deep.