Best isn’t best.

Best isn’t best.

I took myself off of my medication and it’s only been a week that I’ve gone without it. It’s actually one of the hardest things I have ever done. It’s weird remembering that this is what I used to feel like all of the time. I just really don’t want to rely on something that is making me feel “fake happy”. And who in the hell wants to take meds that changed a skinny girl into a girl that wants to die every time that she sees her body in the mirror or every time she sees all of the other small girls around her. It really is true. Skinny girls are the ones that guys pay more attention to. At least at the University of Portland.

Without these “happy pills” I think about all of the memories that just tore me apart. I was in a 2 year long relationship in high school. I also had the greatest group of friends. The boyfriend didn’t particularly like hanging out with the girl friends and the girl friends didn’t particularly like the boyfriend hanging out with them because I would spend most of that time trying to make him happy since I knew he didn’t want to be there. (Obviously I’m great at run on sentences).

Tonight I can’t help but dwell on the fact that for about 2 years…I only concentrated on trying to make both my friends and my boyfriend equally happy. I didn’t want to lose either side of my life. I ended up losing both. I worked my ass off to keep both, and to make both happy. I did my absolute best to do this.

My best wasn’t even good.

Now I can’t help but think that if my friends were my real friends that they would have seen how hard I tried and how much I hated myself. I saw them hurting and I talked to them about it. I told my boyfriend how I felt. I should have left him then because your boyfriend is supposed to care about the other people that make your life, your life.

Yeah I’m in college now and I have great friends but when you are a person like me, these memories don’t go away. When you remember them you will always remember the bad parts and no matter how much you want those parts to go away, they won’t. And they will be the only parts you remember.

Unless you take happy pills.

I’m smart enough to know that the happy pills are fake happy.

Still a {typical} teenager

Still a {typical} teenager

At least I made it to college.

I was one of those students that threw up at the thought of having to go to school on a test day. I was one of those students that would spend around 4 hours on her nightly homework because she wanted her handwriting to look nice. I worked my ass off to get to my dream school and to receive a well-paying scholarship.

I’m in college now. I’m at a great school. Its nursing program is one of the top ranked programs in the nation, so I’m not paying $53,000 each year for nothing. But being in college doesn’t mean that one immediately understands where their life is headed. Don’t get me wrong – I love being in Portland and getting the opportunity to really be the independent person that I am. I was just hoping for a little more when I left for college.

The thing is you still think about the things that kept you awake at night in your high school days. My high school boyfriend is no longer mine. I still love him as a dear friend but why the hell do I think about him so much. Why do I still hate those girls and why do my friends and I still reminisce about them. I’m supposed to better than this. I want to be better than this. It all seemed so important then but now I realize how stupid it all is…and for some reason I still fucking care.

It’s what teenagers do.

I can’t wait to be twenty because then it will all go away, won’t it…(wish I wasn’t joking).

At least I made it to college.

 

 

Rarely Optimistic.

Rarely Optimistic.

I should be writing a history paper right now. One, because I’m supposed to be “one of the best students.” Two, it’s due in less than two days. And three, it has to be at least 5 pages in length and I’m at a solid one and a half pages. I’m not writing a history paper right now. If I was a freshman in high school…hell yeah I would be writing that paper and it would be an A paper for sure.

Where I am at today is completely different from where I was as a freshman in high school.

Today, for the first time since seventh grade, I felt truly happy.

It didn’t last the whole day, which is fine. But when it suddenly went away I got mad at myself. I get so unhappy and sad for no reason. My brain just does it and I don’t know why or how..but it just does and this is how I have learned to live with my life.

Let me tell you right now, that my blog will rarely be optimistic. I just want to write what I’m thinking and feeling when I want to write, and I’m not someone that tends to think and feel optimistically. With that said, don’t be expecting some moral at the end of the story or a happy ending.

I think I’m where I need to be physically. After visiting home for the first time since I left for college, I realized that home is a place of much stress and anxiety for me. I love my family. They are my favorite people in the world. Being on my own in a place where I can sort of escape is what I think makes me feel less of the stress and anxiety I feel here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stressed and anxious here too. It’s just different.

Right now, the problem is I know where I am, but I don’t know where I am. And I know who I am, but I don’t know who I am.

I’m in Portland. I’m at school. I’m in my dorm room.

I think I’m still…not moving…I’m nowhere?

I’m Abby.

Am I forever this girl I feel like I don’t know or understand?

I have a history paper to write.